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"Dear david, congrats on your big break.
Love, bob."
( Laughing )
Hey man, i think we gotta do this.
Well, i think, you're totally overreacting.
Guys, it's not even an argument.
This is why you have an understudy,
For situations just like this.
David, i can do this. I am so ready.
I--I think he'll be great.
The audience is waiting.
Ok, all right.
Great.
Kedzie, david, you guys have a great show. I'm outta here.
You know, bob, you really should do your errands
Before the show.
( Audience laughing )
( Narrator ) tonight, the part of bob odenkirk
Will be played by kedzie matthews,
Winner of the san diego red owl rye laff-Quest
And college comic of the year, southwest region, 1992.
( Audience cheering )
( Audience clapping )
Hey everybody, it's that newfangled bob and david.
( Audience whistling )
Hi, everyone.
Hello.
Hey, i'm david cross.
I'm bob odenkirk.
( Audience laughing )
Man, we got a great show tonight, bob.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, we sure do.
All right. I know what you're thinking.
Hey, did steve mcgarrett and don ho have a baby ?
( Audience laughing )
I know, what the hell was i thinking ? I don't know.
That's great, kedzie.
It's not exactly in the script, but...
Oh !
Oh, i'm sorry i strayed from the precious script, master.
( Audience laughing )
Shall i ring the bells as penance, master ?
Bells are weird, huh ? Think about bells.
I mean, alexander graham bell,
What the hell was on his answering machine, eh ?
"To speak to the inventor, press one now."
Hey, riff, man, riff !
All right.
Ah ! Here i go.
Hey, where'd you get this audience ? Look at these people.
This is like dante's inferno meets romper room.
( Audience laughing )
I see weirdo, and freaky, and nerdy and...
I don't even want to talk to this guy.
( Audience laughing )
( Cashier laughing )
( Cashier ) look at that.
What the fuck !
Move it !
You see this guy on the beach, 5:30 a.M. ?
( Making whirring sound )
$1,500, so he can find 3 nickels.
It's true !
What's going on ?
Uh-Oh ! Intruder in sector 7.
Danger, will robinson !
Jesus, david. I got to the...
I go to the store to get some eggs
And you let this guy take over the show ?
Bob, this guy's hilarious.
( Audience laughing )
Who is this guy ? The eggman ?
Pleased to meet you, sir. I'm the walrus.
How are ya ?
( Audience clapping )
Quick impression: paul mccartney sneezing...
Coo, coo, coo, cachoo !
( All laughing )
Mr. Show now comes to you in...
Egg-Vision !
( Bob ) ok, all right, enough.
Enough, all right ?
You know what i wanna know ?
How come you got the cart with the good wheel ?
I go to the store, i always get the cart with the wheel that wants to go over here.
Right, right !
Jesus, david !
Bob !
( Audience cheering )
Bob, e-Everyone loves him !
Hey, you're fired.
( Audience laughing )
Hey, you know what ? I'm fired, too. I love this guy !
Kedzie, come out here, man !
( Audience whooping )
Hey, man, listen. Hey, go !
Free associate ! Have a stream-Of- Consciousness ! Do it !
All right. The comedian is being let loose into the wild
To go habitate with the wily audience.
It's like wild kingdom around here,
You know what i mean ?
This guy sucks !
None of these people seem to think so.
I don't care, i'm funnier than he is.
Oh, yeah ? If you're so funny, how come you don't have your own show ?
I did until you fired me !
Well, i just don't think he's so great.
He makes more money than you do.
( Man ) that's right, bob. Listen to your friend.
A person who makes more money than you is better than you,
And therefore beyond criticism.
This is called the worthington law,
And it's used to gauge the value of human worth.
Carl espick, economist and editor of value magazine...
Yeah, that's right. So, what do you think ?
Ah ! Wrong !
Whatever you were gonna say doesn't matter because i make more money than you.
That's if you're 80 percent of the public. So, i'm right !
Each year, value magazine ranks the 500 best people in the history of the world.
Did you know that, according to worthington's law,
The opera singer who called himself
"The great caruso" was nowhere near as great
As sammy hagar, the red rocker ?
So shut up, caruso !
Hey ! Who's better than saint francis of assisi ?
Well, how about, uh, darryl strawberry ?
See ya later, saint frannie, ya schmuck.
Hey, guess who's better than van gogh ?
Let's see, after adjusting for inflation...
Almost everybody. He made nothing !
So that means that i'm better than van gogh and galileo put together.
And i'm better than you, brainiac.
In 1995, steve peters had no money.
He was a public school teacher,
So his opinion wasn't worth very much.
But then, in 1996, he won the lottery, and he was a great man.
Greater than einstein, who made very little.
But then, guess what this genius-For-A-Day does.
He goes and gives his money to charity.
Now he's about as dumb as einstein.
Way to go, einstein.
So, read value magazine, and get to know the 500 best people in the world.
( Announcer ) order now, and with a one year subscription,
You'll receive this value magazine ranking monkey absolutely free.
He can tell you where you rank.
Just press his head, and learn your worth as a person.
Beep, beep !
You're now ranked 741,000,121.
Beep, beep !
I'm moving up.
( Intercom buzzing )
Yes ?
( Secretary ) mr. Haversham ?
Your siamese-Twin brother is here to see you.
You mean, my ex-Siamese-Twin brother.
Send him in.
Ted. My man !
Hey, ned. Long time no see.
Yeah, 6 months.
Yup.
So, face it, bro, heh,
This little experiment does not seem to be workin' out.
It's working for me !
I love being separated.
I've got my own office, my own job,
My own apartment, my own bed. What ?
Bro, it's our old pants !
Oh, ned.
Ted...
Man, don't you remember how mom used to say
That we were attached because god never wanted us to be apart ?
Remember, she used to call us
"2 for one."
Forget it. There's no way i'm getting re-Attached.
Face it, ted, things aren't as great, you know ?
I mean, not since we used to work together, and we used to--
No !
I worked. You sat on my ass and did nothing.
Fine.
You know, you can cut me off,
But you can't cut off the memories.
I'll be honest with you, ned. I am gonna get re-Attached.
Oh, that's great !
But not to you.
To john werster in marketing.
You bastard !
I'm sorry !
The last thing i wanted to do was get re-Attached to anybody,
But we met at the company picnic, during the 3-Legged race,
And we're perfect together.
( Knocking on door )
I'm sorry !
Ted, i...
John !
That's him, isn't it ?
Ted, i need to talk to you.
Uh, now's not a good time.
It's important, ted.
Oh !
This is keith dunlop.
Hi.
You bastard !
What do you say, bro ?
( Doctor ) mr. Haversham.
Mr. Haversham !
Doctor, how did it go ?
The re-Attachment was a success.
However, there were complications.
I wish there were an easy way to say this...
Your brother died.
No !
There's got to be a better way.
( Announcer ) do you hate giving bad news ?
Then why not reach for the bad news breakers ?
Mrs. Montgomery ?
We got your tests back, and...
What is it, doctor ?
Girls ?
( Both ) you'll never walk again.
Well, thank you for telling me.
( Mrs. Montgomery ) they are darling.
( Announcer ) nobody likes to get or give bad news,
But let's face it, sometimes you have no choice.
( Both ) your wife is cheating on you.
Aw, who wants ice cream ?
( Both ) the house is surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
Where are they ? Where are the little sweetie-Pies ?
Where are you ? I've got milk and cookies.
Oh, look ! There you are ! Oh, good, you're just how i--
The bad news breakers are perfect for any occasion.
( Both ) there were no survivors.
( Cameras clicking )
( Both ) ready...
Aim, fire !
Turn a frown upsey-Daisy, with the bad news breakers.
( Both ) vito benvitucci sleeps with the fishes.
Hey, ain't you two dolls ? Run along, now.
Hey, what's that, boss ?
Ah, they got vito.
So, alls i'm sayin' is 24.
What about 24 ?
That's it. That's the highest number.
24 ?
That's it. Where're you gonna go from there ?
Yeah, yeah. 24. Forget about it.
That's vongole. What about 18 ?
Yeah, 18. Now that's the biggest number.
No, 24 is the highest number.
Look, ya got 10, then ya got 10 more, then it's like...
What's this ? 4 more. 24. Forget about it.
Yeah, but 18.
Look, look. Count with me here, all right ?
Ok. Ya got one, right ? Ok, then ya got 2, right ?
Then there's 3, ok ? Oh, then here comes 4--
Shut up ! Quit your counting !
You're a bunch of cajoles .
I'm trying to read the damn racing form, here.
24 is the highest number, and that's it. Let it go.
Sorry, boss.
Yeah, sorry.
I am sorry, don corelli, that i said 18.
I forgot about 19.
And 20.
And 21.
And 22--
Shut up, here !
24 is the highest. That's it, all right ?
Sorry.
( Knocking on door )
Oh, hey, boss. Here's them cannolis you wanted.
It's, uh, $25.
Here you go.
Keep the change, kid.
Um, what...
What did ya give him, boss ?
Nothin'. It doesn't matter.
I gave him 30.
30 !
What about 30 ?
Well, it's higher than 24 by, like, 5 or 6.
Yeah, yeah ! 30. Forget about it.
Hey, 30 ? What about 31 ?
Jimmy, you stay the hell outta this, and stir that sauce.
I'm stirrin', i'm stirrin'.
Well, how about 32 ?
I'm warnin' you.
I just gotta say it, boss. 33.
Goddammit !
The next one of you fullatos that adds a number to another number
Is gonna hear it from my .45.
46 is bigger, boss.
What ?
46 is all i'm sayin', boss.
Frankie, why you do this to me, huh ?
I'm godfather to your nephew, for christ's sake.
Well, you said 45.
And 46 is bigger. It's one more.
Come here.
( Sniffing )
Come here.
Hey, 47 !
I'll deal wit' you in a minute !
Listen, who's your papazola, eh ?
You, boss !
At your wedding, who covered your begenzo, huh ?
You did, boss !
Yeah. Now, i want you to answer me
From here, from your heart.
What's the highest number ?
I don't know !
I'm so confused anymore !
Danny said 47, and i--
Danny's dead.
I'm right here, boss.
Oh, jesus ! Oh, jesus !
Boss, you shot danny ! Yeah.
He was only 49 !
Hey, 49 !
( Audience laughing )
( Stammering )
You shot danny, and frankie, and jimmy !
Yeah, that's right.
Boss, they was only adding numbers
To other numbers !
Boss, nobody cares, boss !
Nobody cares ! There's a million people out there, oh--
What did you say ?
I--There--There's...
24 people out there who don't care.
You are my son.
Here.
I want you to go out there
And i want you to make sure that everybody knows
That 24 is the highest number there is.
I don't wanna hear no more arguments
About it nowhere.
Yeah, sure, boss.
Ah...
( Whimpering )
I am 24-Years-Old.
Science has ascertained that there may be as many as...
24 stars in the cosmos.
To say we killed 24 jews
Is an exaggeration.
( Announcer ) the answer to tonight's
"Guess the attendance" contest is...
24.
Another sold-Out crowd.
( Band playing )
( Salini ) ah, marching band music.
Was there ever such a glorious expression of man's soul ?
A tempestuous siren who called to me.
But, lo,
Did i possess the brilliance to tame her ?
The brilliance of a john baptiste philouza,
The impudent boy genius
Who was both my mentor
And my tormentor ?
( Woman ) sal ?
Salini, i think my time is here.
No ! You hold that baby in !
He needs all 9 months
To develop good lungs, and--And fingers.
He will be a woodwind.
The devil it will !
Woman, you will bear me a marching band !
I'm trying !
Bah !
All you give me are drummers !
( Clattering )
( Grunting )
I'm going to the general store
For a phosphate.
( Salini ) but bicarbonates and creamed ice
Were merely a distraction.
I needed a melody.
For in 2 days, hilford hanson,
The eleventy-12th president of the united states,
Was to hold a marching band competition.
Suddenly the wellsprings gushed forth !
( Trumpeting )
( Hissing )
( Trumpeting )
( Both ) philouza !
Oh, hi ! Hi, ladies ! Hi !
( Salini ) but, lo, 'twas not from me.
Rather it sprang
From that amorous rogue, philouza.
Hey, sally, what's up ?
Philouza, hello. Hello, ladies. I--
What was that melody you were humming a moment ago ?
I don't know. Nothin'.
Why ?
I...
Wrote it down in case you wanted it.
Why would i want that old thing when i can have this ?
( Making drumming sounds )
( Trumpeting )
( Salini ) john baptiste philouza's music
Revealed a world of unimaginable beauty.
Was this god and the angels conversing ?
Or was it the devil ?
Or was it god and the devil
Interrupting each other ?
* boom, chh-Ch-Chhh *
* boom, chh-Ch-Chhh
* a-Boom, chh-Ch-Chhh
( Trumpeting )
( Salini ) alas, i would never be what he was,
For i was haunted all my life...
By mediocrity.
( Gasping )
Oh, hey, salini.
Hey, i decided to apply myself.
I entered that "president's marching band song" thing.
What are you made of, philouza ?
( Woman ) philouza !
Philouza !
Not tonight, rebecca, for i have work to do !
Oh, come now, philouza.
The lady wants to see you.
She wants to see everybody.
Oh, but, how can you resist
Those fine wrists ?
That bit of neck
That is sort of showing ?
And those delectably thick pantaloons
That are just under her underskirt ?
Philouza !
Yeah.
Have you a penny ?
Well...
Here's a nickel.
Take the whole night.
And have some of that new-Fashioned peanut brickle,
On me !
( Clattering )
Hmm.
( Band playing )
( All clapping )
Well, mr. Salini, that was fine. Just fine.
Uh, what do you call it, again ?
It is called "messiah's passion fanfare no. 4
For tubas and flutes."
Ah, yes.
Well, now i look forward
To hearing mr. Philouza's march,
If he should ever show himself.
Well, i'm afraid if we wait any longer,
The century will have finished turning !
Oh, there's philouza !
( All murmuring )
I'm sorry i'm late, president hanson.
Much apologies, sir.
A little too much sarsaparilla ?
( All laughing )
Oh, this will never work.
These are all out of order !
What's wrong, philouza ?
A few too many of mr. Graham's crackers ?
( Coughing )
( Laughing )
Well, philouza ? Come on !
Oh ! It--
( Sputtering )
( Trumpeting )
( Band playing )
( All clapping )
Bravo ! Bravo !
I just threw it together !
Philouza,
That was magnificent.
You truly are the winner.
Mr. Salini,
I believe that i'm the eleventy-12th president, here.
Mr. Philouza's march
Was inspired and brilliant.
Too brilliant.
You see, brilliance upsets people.
It makes them feel inferior.
Better that they should make do
With mr. Salini's blustery hooplah.
The prize is yours.
( All clapping )
( People whistling )
( Salini ) my dream had come true,
But at the cost of knowing that i was mediocre.
And while future generations
Might discover philouza's brilliance
And weep at its beauty,
I had a specialist remove my tear ducts,
So that i would never again.
( Band music playing )
( Audience clapping )
So you see, fellas, what happens
When you choose mediocrity
Over originality.
So, that's why kedzie became so popular, huh ?
What ? 'Cause he's mediocre ?
Yeah.
No, no, no !
It's because he's hilarious !
Ha-Ha ! I love this guy !
He's like bram stoker's lincoln, right ?
Ingmar bergman meets beetlejuice !
( Audience laughing )
Hey, you know what pisses me off ?
You know what pisses me off ?
Directions on cans of soup.
Do we really need this ?
"Empty contents into saucepan."
No shit ? I was just gonna open the can
And pour it right down my throat.
( Audience laughing )
Don't you think star wars would've been better
If popeye the sailor was in it ?
Wouldn't that have been a better movie ?
"Alls ya gots ta do is use the force !"
( Cackling )
Come on !
Why didn't george lucas put popeye in that movie ?
What if obi-Wan kenobi was a jewish guy ?
"Use the foreskin, luke. Use the foreskin."
I don't know.
Why do women take so long to get ready ?
( Audience laughing )
What the hell is this ?
My wife can be in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She comes out, she looks the same as when she went in.
Let's talk about you, now.
Tell me whatever is on your mind.
Cat's are weird. Where are the cat owners ?
Who are you talking to, kedzie ?
Get off of the couch, ok ? You're shedding.
Hey, how about bob vila ? You ever seen this guy?
This old house. How about the real world, all right ?
This week, mrs. Vila gets half of this old house
In this old divorce, come on.
Who are these people ?
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